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Living in a Shell. (I wrote this a long time ago)

Me.

Sleep helps me escape this world. It’s like I’m dead for 8 hours or more, sometimes less. Sometimes in my dreams my life is great. A happy family living all together under one roof, enough money to live off of, but mostly a family that gets along with each other. Yeah those are the best. But at times my dreams are scary, very scary. Those are the ones that I can’t wait to wake up from.

Sometimes I have to force myself to wakeup and get out of bed. I feel like I can’t go on anymore. I always think how life would be without me. How much I can escape from and never live through heartache again. My mom said this is for the best that my life will be better and we will be happier. My mom lied; she is probably happier but I’m not. I escape my sorrows and my fears by smoking marijuana. But there isn’t a point to it, yes it makes you happy for a few hours, but then you come back to reality and back to the state you were in before you flew thousands of miles away.

Past.

It started when I was about 12. Nothing was right, my parents started fighting, my brother and I got into physical fights. My family hated each other. I, being the youngest was dragged around with no choice, no input. Of course I didn’t say anything. My parents didn’t listen, they thought I was worthless and wrong about everything. I always thought to myself that one day I will prove them wrong, that day has yet to come, but it will.

The same shit every night, the arguments never changed. My brother was in and out of the house and I was hiding away from everything. I lived almost my whole life hiding and around fighting and name calling. We had what I called “family put downs.” We would eat at the table like once every few months. Yes the average family sits and talks about work and school. My family is or was different; we yelled at each other like everyday. We talked shit to each other like everyday but at the table it was different. I could’ve lived without people getting pushed out of chairs and stuff thrown at them, but at least it wasn’t something that could kill us.

I hardly ever talked. I was never the social type. I cut, I was suicidal, but still helped others with their problems. I never let my problems get in the way of helping those who need it.

Every time I saw a family all happy together just made me wish my family was like that. I would go to sleep every night wishing that when I woke up there would be no more fighting, no more of me being dragged and pushed around. I would wish my parents thought I could do anything with my life and tell me that I’m not worthless, that I can do anything and I’m not shit.

Present.

My family is split. I live with my great grand mother and my mom. My brother lives with my nana and my dad lives where ever. I hardly get to see my dad now. I still hardly talk to my mom. Yes we are struggling but we aren’t the only ones. My parents finally get along but I wish they would have years ago. Not everyone stays together forever. I now no longer keep relationships. My parent weren’t really the best role models of that or well anything else.

I quit smoking about 2 months ago. =)

Keep in mind.

I lived my life hating my family and hiding from everything. All I have to say is one day you will realize that family is all you have in the end. Your friends now will soon be gone believe it or not. No one stays friends forever, but family is forever.

If you cut, stop it’s not worth it, it won’t cure the problem, it took me forever to realize that. If you ever think about killing yourself take it from one who attempted it; it’s not worth it, nothing is worth ending your own life.

Spend time with your family; tell them how much you love them.

If you’re going through a hard time the cure is to help others because it makes you feel good. The little things that you do for someone in need means more than anything to those people.

pennyslain:

From Kurt Cobain’s journals